


I don't look so bad with black beneath my eyes

by himjongs



Series: Playlist Series [3]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 18:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1149468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himjongs/pseuds/himjongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Junhong makes excuses for Yongguk's personality disorder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't look so bad with black beneath my eyes

I’d never let a guy hit me.

 

That’s what I’ve always told myself, my friends, my family. Hell, I still believe it. I don’t let him hit me. I push him away. I fight back. It’s not that bad.

 

“Why do you let him do it?” Yongguk rasps, running his fingers through my hair. The vibrations of his thick voice reverberate through his bare chest- through me. Like thunder, it rattles me senseless the same as each time he asks. Always with sheets wrapped around our waists, his fingers subtle ghosts on my skin. I sigh for the millionth time. I only want to forget. 

 

“He doesn’t mean to hurt me,” I answer quietly. Dull and overdone, but it is the truth. I hate this part. We should just relax together. Enjoy one another’s warmth.

 

Everything is cream and kisses except for the broken vessels under my skin. And that is okay. Being in love with him does not hurt. 

 

Yongguk shifts beneath me, his skin warming with the rising sun. “How do you know?” His voice is small and childlike. These words are not often asked.

 

I sit up to look at him properly. He needs to know how I feel. “I can see it in his eyes.” Taking his hands and threading our fingers together, I assure him. “He loves me.” He is not a monster, he is my lover.

 

Yongguk spares a smile that is not yet ripened. A grimace at best. We will not speak for long minutes after this. He will just hold me- comfort me. Try to rescue me with strength of his arms. With good intentions he will wish the ill feelings and demons away.

 

I direct him again to my quaint double house. And make sure he knows his way home. With a lingering kiss, he begs me to see him again when I can. This breaks my heart every time. Youngjae catches his attention in the window unashamed, and they exchange a bitter look.

 

With an exhale I prepare myself to go inside. Where I know the weight of my actions will be slammed down on my back. In my shell of a home, I find Youngjae sitting at the table.

 

“How long are you going to continue seeing him?” he asks sipping his tea. He glares at me over his favorite mug. It has been so long since he has looked at me with anything less than disgust. Over time his eyes have evolved from worry to pity and now pure loathing.

 

He believes I am just caught in the undertow.

 

“He doesn’t mean it-”

 

“How long are you going to let him do this to you?” he demands. I wish he would stop. I am tired of pleading for his compassion.

 

“He doesn’t know what he’s doing, Youngjae. He’s sick.”

 

Everyone knows that Yongguk isn’t well. Youngjae more than anyone. He can probably count better than me how many times I have returned home with a swollen heart and lips. But I have braved through it. The sour sips of tainted blood. His knuckles in my mouth, his knee in my stomach. I live through it all.

 

And I don’t know maybe it was the third or fourth time, but the husk around my sanity was shattered. I have retired my pride because dignity is pointless. Saving battered face is useless. I am barefaced now.

 

“Yeah, tell me that when he beats you to death.” Youngjae’s eyes are fixed and cold. “He needs to be locked up.” He stirs his tea in an aggravated manner, spoon clanking harshly. “And maybe you too. You’re just as crazy. Or stupid…or both.”

 

His words stir a riot in me although I have heard them time and time before. It all builds up and huffs out in a breath through my nose. I will not feel guilty and I do not regret any of it. It is not that bad.

 

Some days I just need to breathe. Return home, revive my heart and let my love for him fill me. I need to watch it ebb and flow through veins undecayed. Trace scars in the mirror. Reevaluate my stance. Then I am stronger than ever. A depot for his sins. Even if he does not remember.

Youngjae shakes his head and gets up from the table. “I’m not going to keep pretending I’m the bad guy.”

 

“He needs us, Youngjae,” I nearly shout at his back as he stalks off to his room.

 

Love is never selfish, only patient and kind. Yongguk needs my love. I don’t care what people think. Disregard the dark shades, and scrapes and the bruises. I don’t look so bad with black beneath my eyes.


End file.
